Just watched a couple of videos of this New York standup comedian called Demitri Martin on youtube. Hilarious one-liner type jokes! According to wikipedia, Martin attended Yale and then NYU Law School on full scholarship, then dropped out a year before graduating to pursue a career in comedy. He is also known for showing his ambidextrous talents in performances. His hobbies include constructing palindromes. Intelligent, witty, too-cool-for-school, ambidextrous, geeky hobbies...my kind of guy huh. HAHA. He has to have the skinny geeky white jewish boy thing going on too.
- One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that’s a bad thing, but to me that’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense! What’s he going to say? Car?? …or Carnival?? …Carburetor!?!? Man…
- “I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”
- “‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of - it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’”
- "I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such…a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect!”
- “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
- “About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’ (Ladies, that’s not true)”
- “I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”
- “I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you’re in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you’re not it does just the opposite. It’s like, ‘Hey, there’s an asshole.’ But when you’re in the woods you’re like, ‘Is there an asshole out here?’ They look like trees.”
- “I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”
- “I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”
- “Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”
- “Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.”
- “I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
- “I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
- “I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don’t have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said ‘JETS?’”
- A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color?” A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color…person?”
- I used this product called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.” Because sometimes when I’m having toast I like to be incredulous. “How was breakfast?” “Unbelievable”
- “Employee of the month” is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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